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’Twas the night before the bill arrived, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a Wi-Fi mouse. The smart plugs were nestled by the fireplace with care, In hopes that the peak rates wouldn’t make us despair.

I’ve realized my vocabulary is still running on fumes. "Firing on all cylinders” once made sense — now it just sounds... burnt-out. Here are my top 5 carbon-clunkers to retire before the planet does.